Inspired

I didn't know it would take so much work to get better. I am learning the hard way that healing my gut is not all about taking lots of naps and eating good food. If I don't make an effort to also walk and do my breathing exercises, my innards get even by cramping up and hurting more than they need to. Pain is a great motivator.

I prefer to see things positively, though, so I was pleased to see a nice little inscription at the base of the bong-like plastic contraption that constitutes my breathing exerciser. Written below the numerals marking off milliliters from 250 to 2,500, it says simply, "Inspired Volume."

Maybe it was the heavier hospital drugs I was taking when I first started using the device a day after my surgery, but my initial thought was, yes, it would be inspiring to raise the plunger to the higher ml levels to show my lung capacity had increased. As I kept working on raising my inspired volume, I realized it was more of a medical term referring to the intake of breath, but I still like my meaning better.

There can be no misinterpreting the label on a float at the left side of the device. Intended to encourage a slow, steady intake of air, the float rises into a "good," "better" or "best" range depending on how fast I inhale. I've gotten pretty good at keeping it mostly in the best range while raising the volume plunger to 2,250 ml.

I've thought of adding my own labels to this instrument. A warning label might say "Ignore this at your peril." The more inspirational label would be, "The more you use this, the better you'll feel." I know that now, but it still feels like a lot of work.

Going home!

The sun is shining this morning, outside my hospital window and inside my soul. I am heading home today to continue my convalescence. If my progress maintains the pace of this past week, I should be feeling great in no time!

Results of the pathology report were finally shared with me this morning. They confirmed the original diagnosis from my September biopsy of a high-grade (meaning fast-growing) leiomyosarcoma, so no surprises there. The report also said the margins were negative, meaning there were no signs of the cancer in the tissue around the edges where the tumor was removed. Very good!

One of the two drains from my abdomen was removed this morning but I'll go home with the other; better to have the watery fluid pulled out than to collect in my abdomen. The doctors talked about removing my staples and replacing them with steri-strip bandages, but I spouted a bit of blood from the incision this morning, so the staples will stay a bit longer. Doctors said it was not a concern.

I am finally eating food with flavor, but in small amounts, with some snacks between meals. Grazing throughout the day is not a bad way to eat at all! My recommended diet is high in fats and proteins. Yum!

The doctors, nurses and assistants at OSU Medical Center have been great, but it will be wonderful to get home today!

On the road to recovery

What a journey this has been!

It is Wednesday morning and I am sitting in my room at OSU Medical Center surrounded by expressions of love and support. I know the flowers, cards and the beautiful ribbon bows (that's another story!) decorating my room are lending a hand to the work of doctors, nurses and patient care assistants. They all combine to make me feel better, even though by baby steps.

I sit here with my new best friend -- a little blue cord clipped to my nightgown. The button on the end is connected to a pump with drugs to control my pain. I try not to call on my friend too often but it's sure nice to have her around.

A press of the button eases most of the pain in my gut, but not the hunger that started growing yesterday and remains mostly unabated. Ice chips provided some relief after I finally said goodbye yesterday afternoon to the tube running through my nose to my stomach to drain away bile. Clear liquids are on tap today, but so far that has been restricted to water. Tea with honey and chicken broth have never sounded so good!

The staples running vertically up my belly look like a little train track. I haven't tried to count the staples but Tom guessed the track is a foot long. I'm still waiting for results of the pathology report but the surgeon guessed the tumor he removed weighed about 10 pounds, and I don't doubt it.

Thanks to Mandy for providing updates when I was not able. I'll try to take it from here. No word yet on how soon I will go home but each day brings progress. I know my army of cheerleaders and those offering prayers are still hard at work!

Out of the ICU

Hi there. Mandy again.

Mary got out of the ICU early today and has moved into a room in Rhodes at OSU. She didn't want me to post the room or phone number on the Internet, but you're smart people, you can figure out how to get it if needed.

She's understandably tired, but is doing well otherwise.

Out of surgery

Mandy again. She's out of surgery, but we haven't seen her yet. The doctor says they got the whole tumor out and it hadn't spread anywhere, which is really good news. They did have to take part of the pancreas and intestine, but that was not unexpected. They did not have to take any of the kidney, which is good.

She'll be in the ICU for tonight and tomorrow and then a room at the James for 6 to 10 days. I'll update with her room number once I have it and she gives me the OK.

Thanks again for all your prayers! They did wonders!

Update

Hi. This is Mandy attempting to update my mom's blog from my phone. She went into surgery at 11:45 and could be done at any moment or be in there for two more hours. I'll update again when I know more. Keep those prayers coming!

The big day!

We are about to head out to the hospital and I go with an amazing reservoir of strength, thanks to those I have been able to reach out to and who have responded in love. I could not have made this journey to this point without the love and power of prayer that has surrounded me.

I pray others who are facing adversity find a way to share their burdens, not just with God but with those who are more than willing to offer their love and support, if only you ask. That has been the greatest lesson I have learned in recent months. I know it will continue to carry me through my recovery.

A friend at work gave me a beautiful angel this week with an inscription that I have enjoyed reading and sharing with others. Attributed to Mother Teresa, it says: "I know that God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much."

I would add to that thought: and thank goodness He gave me so many friends and well-wishes to urge me on and support me in this battle!

Thanks to all who have offered their prayers, positive thoughts and love. The next post will be from my daughter, Mandy, to let you know that I have come through the surgery with great success and am ready for the healing to follow! Love to all!

Know your numbers

From the numbers on the paper in front of him, the man from the insurance company could reach only one conclusion, which he gave me with a smile. "You're as healthy as a horse. You don't have any excuse to call in sick tomorrow!"

The paper had plenty of health indicators -- blood pressure, blood sugar, total cholesterol and breakdowns for HDL and LDL cholesterol, body fat percentage and body mass index. And he was right, my numbers were super. But the numbers couldn't detect the presence of cancer. And the insurance man had no way of knowing I would be calling in sick today so I can do the necessary preparation for surgery tomorrow.

Yesterday's health-promotion event at work gave me mixed messages. It is tough to know that all my efforts to get and maintain a healthy weight, with a diet contributing to good blood sugar and cholesterol levels, could not protect me from this latest cancer. At the same time, it is good to know that I am a really healthy person apart from the large tumor in my abdomen.

Best of all -- those numbers indicating good health will still be there tomorrow, but the tumor will be gone, God willing and thanks to a good surgeon!

Be prepared

I work with some amazing young women who have set a high standard for covering all their bases. When they are going to be out of the office, such as for the birth of a child, detailed plans are written to prepare for their time off, noting who will pick up their various duties. They create detailed timelines to track what must be done by what date when they are in the office as well.

Today will be my last day in the office before Thursday's surgery, and I am trying to follow their lead but it is a challenge. As I started charting responsibilities of my department and noting who does what, the first thing I saw was my own irrelevance. Others are doing the daily work to put out newsletters, handle media calls, manage grants, take complaints and update databases. That will all continue while I am out.

This exercise reminds me that my job is more to ask and answer questions, provide input, clear obstacles, inspire professional growth, nurture a creative environment. It is a little harder to identify who will provide that input in my absence, or whether things might even operate more smoothly without my meddling! It also makes me appreciate what others do on a daily basis and makes me more committed to helping them succeed when I get back to work after my recuperation.

Whose will?

Sometimes I struggle with what I should be praying for, but it has become clearer in recent weeks. My prayer is for God's will to work in my life, bringing me closer to His plan for me.

I haven't always been comfortable praying for God's will. My reservations have been mostly because I was afraid that path would be most difficult, or I didn't know where the path would lead and I was afraid to head into uncharted territory. My comfort has grown, though, with all the experiences that have brought me to where I am today.

Certainly, not everything that happens in life is God's will. More often than not, we get in the way and mess things up, or we hesitate to follow. But increasingly I have learned it is better to seek God's will for our lives because the rewards of trying to follow His teachings are greater than we can imagine. His plan for my life is more perfect than anything I can devise.

I am praying for a successful surgery on Thursday and to recover my health, but not just for the sake of returning to life as I knew it before Cancer 2.0. My prayer is to continue seeking to live into God's will for my life.

Laughing matters

Tom sent me an e-mail the other day with a hilarious column by Dave Barry, one of our favorite humorists. We don't see his columns in the paper anymore, so it was great to once again enjoy his entertaining way of seeing the funny side of life. The only downside was the subject matter, which was a bit too close for comfort.

The focus of Barry's sharp wit was colonoscopies, with special emphasis on the preparation needed ahead of time to cleanse the bowels. Describing the experience, he wrote, "And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet."

It was classic Dave Barry, and I would have liked to have laughed a little harder, but coincidentally, I had also just learned the surgeon's office was mailing me some prescriptions and instructions for my preparation for next week's surgery. Judging from the doctor's orders I have since received, my intestines will be even cleaner than they were for my colonoscopy a couple years ago. In fact, I'd say they would be suitable for use as sausage casings!

As I go through surgery and recovery in the weeks ahead, I'll have to see what other material I can find to suggest for a future Dave Barry column.

My strength

Another date checked off the calendar and suddenly I'm counting down to surgery by days instead of weeks. And as I get closer, get-well wishes from unexpected quarters march in to strengthen my spirit.

The abundance of my blessings struck me when I read an e-mail from a Rotary friend. He wrote, "I know from the experience of others that when someone gets sick there are those who run away from the person who is ill and there are others who run TO that person. It sounds like you have a lot of the latter. Take heart from that."

Another friend shared the same sentiment supported by Scripture: We are put on this earth to love and encourage each other (Proverbs 27:17 states “Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.”).

I can't imagine being in this situation without the deep and wide support of family and friends. I did not fully appreciate before this experience how important it is to run to those in need, but now I hope I never forget it. My goal is to recover so I can return the support and love that so many have shown me when I needed it most.

Good work

Don't tell my boss, but I have concluded work is good for me.

That isn't an entirely new revelation, but the truth was underscored with last week's snowfall that caused my office to shut down one day in the middle of the week. Being at home unexpectedly gave me too much time to focus on myself and all the downsides of my current condition.

Discomfort associated with my distended abdomen was magnified as I moved slowly around the house. With my surgery date finally certain, I spent much more time than usual looking ahead to Feb. 12. Rather than feeling rested and refreshed, by the end of the day I had myself convinced that I could not have worked that day and I seriously questioned how I would make it through the two weeks until I can get this tumor removed.

The contrast with the days at work since then has been very interesting, if not remarkable. I still tire by evening but there is good medicine in being occupied with deadlines and responsibilities that leave little time for self-focus. The week since that snow day has passed faster and with less distress than I had anticipated.

It is especially good to have a job these days, but I have even more reason to be thankful for mine.

A little bit pregnant

The coincidental timing of my tummy's tumor growth and my daughter's pregnancy has struck me as funny. Hey, you've got to find humor wherever you can!

It has given me a bizarre connection with Mandy's experience. It is not just by memory that I know how it feels to have my abdomen swell to the point of making it hard to put on a pair of socks or to polish my toenails. I don't have to reach back nearly 30 years to know there is less room in my gut for a large meal or that this growth means getting tired earlier at night and having to find new positions to try to sleep comfortably.

Having faint memories is one thing; re-experiencing some of that same phenomena is quite another.

On the bright side, I have been able to advise Mandy on where to find some inexpensive transitional clothing and how to eat less but more frequently. We are already very close, but we are able to commiserate even more over some shared symptoms. And I look forward to being safely delivered of my bundle so that I can be fully recovered and ready to hold and kiss that new little grand baby!

What a friend

One of the things that keeps me going to church most Sunday mornings is that I usually find something in the service to help me through the week ahead. Yesterday, it was the words from one of those great old hymns, "What a Friend We Have in Jesus."

These lines in particular spoke to me so strongly, I wrote them in my Sunday bulletin so I would not forget them:

Oh, what peace we often forfeit, oh, what needless pain we bear,
All because we do not carry everything to God in prayer.

The sentiment from that song carried me gently off to sleep last night and woke me softly this morning. Dark hours in bed can be the most fretful, and sometimes I let my fears have their way with me before remembering to ask God's help to face them. It helps to have this hymn in my head to remind me I am not in this battle alone.